Pacing the Cage

Disgruntled student vs. machine

by Sam Brasch, editor

From: systemadmin@coloradocollege.edu
To: Samuel.brasch@coloradocollege.edu

Your mailbox has exceeded one or more size limits set by your administrator.

Your mailbox size is 119552 KB.

Mailbox size limits: You will receive a warning when your mailbox reaches 95000 KB. You cannot send mail when your mailbox reaches 100000 KB. You may not be able to send or receive new mail until you reduce your mailbox size. To make more space available, delete any items that you are no longer using or move them to your personal folder file (.pst). Items in all of your mailbox folders including the Deleted Items and Sent Items folders count against your size limit. You must empty the Deleted Items folder after deleting items or the space will not be freed. See client Help for more information.


From: Samuel.brasch@coloradocollege.edu
To: systemadmin@coloradocollege.edu

Dear System Administrator,

Do I have some questions for you! For starters, way to dodge the buck by referring to yourself in the third person. “Limits set by your administrator”—you’re my administrator, stupid. So let’s stop blaming third parties and realize that the size of my mailbox size is an issue between you and me and nobody else.

I hope you understand that I do not plan to delete any messages in my mailbox. I like having them there as reminders about upcoming events, and because they make up a little history journal of my electronic life. So, I politely request that you free me from the restrictions on my inbox and let me to enjoy the benefits of unlimited e-mail storage. If that’s so impossible, I have a flash drive you can borrow. Just plug it into the server or something—that should quadruple my storage capacity. I will be in my room all evening if you want to come pick it up.

Let’s be civil about this.

Sincerely,
Sam Brasch


From:
systemadmin@coloradocollege.edu
To: Samuel.brasch@coloradocollege.edu

Your mailbox has exceeded one or more size limits set by your administrator.

Your mailbox size is 119553 KB.

Mailbox size limits: You will receive a warning when your mailbox reaches 95000 KB. You cannot send mail when your mailbox reaches 100000 KB. You may not be able to send or receive new mail until you reduce your mailbox size. To make more space available, delete any items that you are no longer using or move them to your personal folder file (.pst). Items in all of your mailbox folders including the Deleted Items and Sent Items folders count against your size limit. You must empty the Deleted Items folder after deleting items or the space will not be freed. See client Help for more information.


From:
Samuel.brasch@coloradocollege.edu
To: systemadmin@coloradocollege.edu

HA-HA. Very funny, big guy. Took my very polite e-mail and tacked it onto my mailbox size, did you? 119552 KB then, 119553 KB now—God, man, you are KILLING me right now. I haven’t laughed this hard since that YouTube compilation of parents feeding lemons to their babies. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy—you are good, man.

From your response, it seems pretty clear to me that you are not an actual human administrator, but a tiny program locked away in the school’s e-mail server, waiting for some helpless schmuck to exceed 100000kb. Let me make myself clear: your lack of consciousness is no excuse for hypocrisy. I did the math. Your e-mails make up a full twelve percent of my total e-mail inbox. If you had just left me alone, then I would still be under your storage limits, happily enjoying the privileges of a functional college e-mail account.

Can we discuss the irony of your entire existence? Your only purpose is to remind kids to delete superfluous e-mail, but your only means to that end is a constant bombardment of superfluous e-mail. You are the beginning and the end of spam, a tragic contradiction in electronic authority.

Also, have you ever tried deleting e-mail through the online exchange server? You have no “fuck it, just delete all my old messages” option. I am getting carpel-tunnel from highlighting each individual message before carefully placing it in the deleted items folder.

I am sorry about what I am going to do, but this is for every student who has had to spend a decent portion of their lives slowly scrolling through old e-mails, eyes squinted, back bent, trying to get on the right side of your dumb limits. What a waste of cyber-space you are.

You should be ashamed.
SamB


From:
systemadmin@coloradocollege.edu
To: Samuel.brasch@coloradocollege.edu

Your mailbox has exceeded one or more size limits set by your administrator.

Your mailbox size is 40000679 KB.

Mailbox size limits: You will receive a warning when your mailbox reaches 95000 KB. You cannot send mail when your mailbox reaches 100000 KB. You may not be able to send or receive new mail until you reduce your mailbox size. To make more space available, delete any items that you are no longer using or move them to your personal folder file (.pst). Items in all of your mailbox folders including the Deleted Items and Sent Items folders count against your size limit. You must empty the Deleted Items folder after deleting items or the space will not be freed. See client Help for more information.


From:
Samuel.brasch@coloradocollege.edu
To: systemadmin@coloradocollege.edu

40000679 KB? How in the world did that happen? Do you think some indignant student might have mailed himself last year’s entire season of To Catch a Predator with Stone Phillips? Uh-oh. That would just be sooooo disrespectful. The server is probably crying in pain over the bulging data-baby I have conceived within it! Somebody call a spam-bulence!

Also, I would not recommend looking into my “Personal Folder”. . . that is, unless you are really into gnarly pterodactyl porn (I mean, you computer programs must have free time too, right?).

You are really just a pain in the ass, a naggy cyber-wife who just won’t let anyone be. But you wouldn’t get that last metaphor, would you, because you are just an unfeeling composition of ones and zeros. I hope it feels good to realize that you will never know love, you sad artificial scumbag.

I am sorry. I really am. But all I wanted was to hold onto the old e-mail messages from my grandmother in a secure online database, and you had to tromp your way into my life with your arbitrary storage limits. Please leave me alone, and everyone else on this campus, too.

Never e-mail me again.

Indignantly,
Sam Brasch


From:
systemadmin@coloradocollege.edu

To: Samuel.brasch@coloradocollege.edu

Your mailbox has exceeded one or more size limits set by your administrator.

Your mailbox size is 40000679 KB.

You are no longer able to send or receive messages through your online mailbox.

Please contact your system administrator for more information.


From:
Samuel.brasch@coloradocollege.edu
To: systemadmin@coloradocollege.edu

Fine. Go ahead. Kill my account. I got two words for you, butt face: G. Mail.

Pacing the Cage PDF

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